exo: but the sound was trapped deep in me

[rustle]

But the sound was trapped deep in me
— Suho/Kai, Suho/Baekhyun. PG-13. 3077 words.
— When Joonmyun hears the news that he won't be part of the group debuting in 2012, he tries to take a stab at composing.
— FINALLY, IT'S OVER. || Original @ seoulfulness

Joonmyun receives the news over lunch — "I'm sorry, you didn't make the cut." He blinks a few times before laughing and waving the whole thing off. "Seven years later and I'm still hearing the same thing," he says in between bites. "I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever debut." Junho, one of his fellow trainees, gives him a pat on the back, and he just heaves a sigh. "You don't have to debut, though." "I don't have to what—" "I'm just saying you don't have to debut to make it big here in SM." "Well—" Joonmyun looks up from his food for the first time since the start of the conversation. Junho's right — he doesn't have to be a singer to be a successful person in the industry. He can be a manager, a vocal coach, a choreographer (albeit pretty far fetched), or even— "Oh hey, Joonmyun, I forgot to tell you.” The same manager who delivered the news takes two steps back. “You didn't get the spot, but they are offering you a different job. The president wants to see you at five." Joonmyun smiles, then nods. "Roger." "Take a seat, please. Don't be shy." Joonmyun mumbles a small sound of approval as he bows to Lee Sooman and makes himself "comfortable" on the chair opposite the president's. "I'm sorry I couldn't make it earlier. The vocal coach had me do some extra runs and—" "And for a good reason, if I may say so myself!" It's times like these when Joonmyun figures he should be somewhere else and not in SM Entertainment. Lee Sooman's being cryptic is not helping, and if anything he's just toying around with Joonmyun's mind. Lee Sooman soon pushes a sheet of paper to his direction and gestures for him to read it. "We are looking for composers who can create the next big hit—" "Go on, go on." "And we've picked you?" Joonmyun looks up and furrows his eyebrows a little. "Is this a joke, sonsaengnim? Because as far as I know, I'm not the best lyricist, neither am I the best pianist around these parts." "Spare me the trouble of telling you about Jongdae's inability to write good lyrics, please." Joonmyun tries hard not to laugh. "But sonsaengnim, I don't get it. Why me?" A bout of silence settles in the room and Lee Sooman pushes himself away from the desk, then slowly gets up from his seat. Joonmyun remains fixed in his position, the logic of the whole situation still escaping him. It just doesn't make sense. "We stumbled upon a notebook of yours a few months back. The tiny, black one with lyrics written on it. I distinctly remember one verse — My brain is dead and my heart is heavy. The broken down events have got me in a frenzy. So forgive me if I can barely sympathize with your stories, your lyrical lies." Joonmyun scoffs. "That's hardly good." "You're right, but forgive me, I can sympathize with the lyrics." There's a smile punctuating the end of Lee Sooman's statement and while the connected dots still aren't making any sense to Joonmyun, he just takes it as a good sign, a green light that says go, go, take the necessary risk. Make that leap of faith. So he signs a three year contract with SM Entertainment as a composer. He also signs up for a three-month long piano, guitar, and drums class for good measure. --- News travels fast — before he even knows it, it has already reached Super Junior and SHINee, and some of the trainees who will be debuting under the group ‘EXO’. Everyone congratulates him for the big break — everyone but Jongin, that is. They’ve never been the best of friends but they’ve trained together the longest, and if there’s one thing Joonmyun should remember about Jongin, it’s Jongin generally not being a fan of sugarcoating statements. “Are you sure about this?” Jongin pauses for a while, almost tentatively, before continuing, “Because I know how much you love singing. Heck, we all know that. And, well, you know you should never settle.” Seven long years of training with SM Entertainment has taught Joonmyun a few things — one, never expect; two, never give up; three, if you’re really unlucky, then there might be something better for you. Joonmyun uses the third as support for his decision, but Jongin doesn’t let on. “Are you really, really sure about this?” Joonmyun smiles, smiles because he doesn’t know how to answer the question, smiles because he doesn’t know if he can answer it all. He takes a deep breath, then lets the smile falter a little. “Yeah, I guess I am.” "You seriously suck at this." Yixing has so graciously volunteered to teach him how to play the guitar whenever they're free. It meant staying around long enough to wait for the practice sessions to end. It also meant shorter breaks and longer work hours. "Admit it, I'm getting better." "Maybe at playing the piano, but not the guitar." Baekhyun, who's on the other side of the room, does a curtsey and proceeds with running through the dance routine with Jongin a second time. Joonmyun laughs a little. Baekhyun has never been the most patient piano teacher, but he sure gets the job done. Yixing clears his throat. "So, the chords?" Joonmyun's never been known to take too much pride in his skills, so he takes this opportunity to show off a little, play some chords Yixing hasn't taught him yet and punctuate the short performance with a smirk. "You said something?" he comments when Yixing fails to mask that look of disbelief in his face. "Threatened, Zhang?" Yixing returns the favor and smiles just a little. "You wish." It's too early to be calling himself this, but on the off chance that EXO's vocal coach fails to show up for practice, he acts as the substitute. It's not easy. Most people would think that it's easier being the vocal coach, the one giving all the orders and making the call, but it isn't. The difficulty lies in being able to inspire a good performance from the trainees and motivating them to do better next time. Complacency is not something to be tolerated; mediocrity should be out of the question. It's the week before EXO debuts and he's specifically told everyone to rest their voices for fear of sounding hoarse come d-day, but Baekhyun knows no limits. Joonmyun sees him staying behind, doing extra rounds until he can't feel his vocal chords anymore. And in that moment, everything becomes clear — why Baekhyun got the slot instead of him, why Baekhyun made the cut despite his meager training. Three soft knocks on the door and Baekhyun's voice trails off. "Isn't it a bit too late to be practicing?" "Ah, well." Baekhyun laughs a little. "Shouldn't you be composing?" Joonmyun takes a few steps forward, then ruffles Baekhyun's hair. "You're too young to be telling me what I should be doing. Now I, as your pseudo-vocal coach, am telling you to rest so that you can blow them away with your voice." He feels Baekhyun flinch a little at the touch. "I can blow them away even with a hoarse voice." "Oh, but the members won't be happy about that." A look of worry surfaces on Baekhyun's features. He's sure Baekhyun knows that Kyungsoo won't appreciate a poor performance from him or from anyone, for that matter. Baekhyun takes a deep breath and heaves a sigh, then proceeds to fixing his things. "I'll take you home," Joonmyun calls out from outside the door. Walking in on Baekhyun’s secret practice session is invasive, as it is; he doesn’t want to add salt to the wound. "You shouldn't be out late without elders." He maintains a fair distance from Baekhyun when they walk. They don't talk about the previous encounter or anything else, for that matter. They don't even give each other a second look when they arrive at EXO's dorms and Baekhyun disappears behind the door. "Blow them away," Joonmyun mumbles under his breath, because he knows Baekhyun doesn't need to hear it a second time. You could blow them away even if you didn't try. You could. You could. He shuns the lyrics running through his brain at the very back of his mind. The first thing he does upon getting home is to write a song. He writes about two people meeting for the first time, one of them instantly being held captive by the other. It’s cliche, corny, something that happens only in movies, but the words come to him easily. He sees them flashing in bright, bold letters before his eyes. Couldn't make out a proper introduction. He-he-he-he-he-hello. His hand shakes a little. The ink seeps through the sheet of paper. He puts the cap back on and crumples the piece of paper he has just written on. His first finished composition makes it into f(x)’s new album. It’s a ballad and, “Of course, Krystal and Luna would sound great singing it, but can Amber have parts, too?” He never openly admits it, but he wrote the song with Amber in mind and, if one looks at the lyrics closely, it won’t be so hard to figure out why. He watches as the three vocalists record their parts, and remains there throughout the session. He notes the glimmer in Amber’s eyes and thinks, wow, she’s a star, and she’s really beautiful. And she sounds great singing my song. In the middle of the recording, he finds time to write another song. It sounds a lot like the one about sloppy first meetings, only more mature and poetic. He discards it soon after in favor of the original song, the one that sounds like it was written by a thirteen-year-old going through puberty. He cringes at the line, “You don’t even have to try so hard”, but hums a melody under his breath anyway. He finishes the song just as the recording ends, and he tucks the lyrics sheet in his pocket even before anyone can see it. He gives Krystal and Luna a pat on the back, and returns the hug that Amber gives him. “Thank you. Thank you for this,” Amber tells him, and he can feel a smile surfacing on Amber’s lips. He squeezes Amber’s arm lightly and smiles. “You’re welcome.” Joonmyun gets called to Lee Sooman’s office one day and receives the request — no, more like a mandate — to compose a song for EXO. “You know their style — a bit on the techno side, synth and all — and I was hoping we could go with something different for the second album.” “How about retro pop?” Joonmyun suggests, keeping Infinite’s songs in mind. Woolim has done a really good job at making the genre Infinite’s equity. “Or maybe RnB pop. Taeyang really does that well. Or something like Rising Sun or O?” Lee Sooman chuckles. “I was actually thinking of using that demo song of yours.” “I don’t get the charm, but you seem to like angry pop a lot.” Joonmyun spends most of his time watching EXO’s practices, and Jongin has always proved to be good company when he needs nothing but pure honesty. He’s trained the longest with Jongin, after all, and through all the blood, sweat, and tears, they’ve formed a friendship that can only get more brutal. “Angry words, angry lines. Don’t you ever get tired of this shit? And really, you expect this to go well with RnB pop?” Joonmyun forces a smile. “I’m an angry person with a lot of hatred in my heart. Deal with it.” Jongin scoffs. “Says the person who wrote a sappy love song for f(x). That one was good, by the way.” Joonmyun sinks in his seat and pulls the nearest throw pillow close to his chest. “I’ve been trying, okay. I just can’t seem to write anything happy right now.” “Then why don’t you just let them use the demo song?” “Because it sucks.” Joonmyun doesn’t even flinch when he goes on to say, “And it’s cheesy and overly romantic and it’s pure crap. I don’t want you guys to sing something like that.” Jongin smiles a little. “You don’t want us to sing something like that?” “Yes. All of you.” “But I distinctly remember sonsaengnim saying it’ll be a duet between Kyungsoo hyung and Baekhyun hyung—” Joonmyun indulges in the fact that Jongin’s feeling a bit playful and that he’s let his defenses down, so he throws the pillow he was clutching earlier in Jongin’s direction and effectively catches the latter off-guard. Jongin returns the favor, throwing the pillow back at Joonmyun and launching a tickle attack soon after. They fill the room with giggles and hearty laughter and the music fills Joonmyun’s ears, eliciting a feeling that has been foreign to him for the longest time. One thing leads to another. The tickle attack turns into Jongin pressing him against the wall and pressing his lips on his. His hands fall to his sides, and somehow he finds himself snaking his hands up Jongin’s shirt, causing Jongin to break the kiss for a while. “What the fuck,” Jongin says, breathy and low. “What the fuck are you doing?” Their lips are still too close and Jongin’s palms are pressed securely on Joonmyun’s hips. “No. What the fuck are you doing?” Jongin doesn’t reply, but the way he resumes the kiss, hard-edged and resolute, speaks volumes of the answer to a question they’ve long put behind them. Joonmyun doesn’t prod, doesn’t even attempt to fight back, and just lets himself sink into Jongin’s touch. Joonmyun goes to work the following day with a flurry of words in his mind. His hair is still sticking up in at least three different directions, but he can’t be bothered with his looks at a time like this. He writes on his notebook as fast as he can. He imagines Jongin dancing to the song, singing it to the best of his ability, and the melody comes to him all too easily, fitting the lyrics like peas to a pod. He remembers the way Jongin’s lips press against his. He recalls the way Jongin’s hands slide up his back, then inside his pants. He imagines Jongin, Jongin, Jongin. He pushes himself away from the piano as soon as he’s done. His hands are shaking, his breathing is heavy, he’s trembling all over, and there are tears in his eyes. In ten minutes flat, he finishes composing EXO’s new song. The song ends up in SHINee’s third album. The news leaves Joonmyun with a bitter taste in his tongue, but he nods, smiles, and shakes Yoo Youngjin’s hand, anyway. “My composition still made the cut, and that’s what’s important,” he remembers telling Yixing and Jongin, to which Yixing just shrugs and gives him a pat on the back, and Jongin raises an eyebrow. “I like composing and composing likes me,” he argues. “It’s the next best thing.” Jongin’s lips are pressed thinly against each other. “Again, my question — are you sure you want this?” Joonmyun repeats the Jongin’s question in his head like a mantra. He wants fame and fortune. He wants to perform in front of people and touch people’s lives. He wants to be there with Jongin, to be part of the group he was supposed to be a member of. He wants to make the cut. But it’s been a year since EXO has debuted and having the company debut someone like him at such a ripe age is highly unlikely and a bad business decision. “I seriously don’t know,” he begins, then laughs a little before continuing, “but I have a good feeling about this.” Jongin shakes his head and gives him that impossible smile. It all comes back to Joonmyun — that sudden urge to write, the words scribbled on Jongin’s skin, written all over the stretch of his body. He sees them again, words upon words behind Jongin’s eyelids, waiting to be unveiled, so he takes a step closer to Jongin and ganders at the sight, the dissatisfied exhale Jongin lets out tingling his skin. “And this, are you sure about this?” Joonmyun’s smiles a little. Eight years of working alongside Jongin has made him memorize Jongin’s ways already. The slight wrinkle in his eyes means he’s mildly amused and he doesn’t give a damn about anything but that amusing thing right in front of him, and on all other occasions when he fashions that blank stare, that hollow smile, that means he’s thinking. It’s the same look Jongin’s giving him right now and while Joonmyun has never been the best person to turn to when it comes to reading people, Jongin has laid himself out there for Joonmyun to decipher so easily. “I said,” Jongin repeats, this time slowly and a bit unsure, “Are you sure about this?” Joonmyun traces the length of Jongin’s face, bites back the crazy grin threatening to break across his features, then leans in for a kiss. “Fuck,” Jongin blurts out when they pull away. Joonmyun laughs a little. “Not now. Maybe later.” “That song, the one that ended up in SHINee’s album, it sounds awfully familiar, by the way,” Jongin says much later, and Joonmyun doesn’t even bother to come up with a snarky remark or a retort. Instead, he puts an arm around Jongin’s shoulders and pulls him closer to whisper, “There’s more where that came from,” and Jongin erupts into a peal of laughter. Joonmyun hasn’t been more certain about anything in his entire life.

Comments

[tiggie0307.livejournal.com]

they’ve formed a friendship that can only get more brutal. I liked this line waaaaaaaaay too much. XD

n ten minutes flat, he finishes composing EXO’s new song....The song ends up in SHINee’s third album.
I know I wasn't suppose to laugh but that is such a OTL moment. This is a great fic!

[onyu.livejournal.com]

I can imagine them getting a bit physical during their banters, haha. Thank you so much, and I'm glad you liked it! :)

[avirjin.livejournal.com]

Wow, I guess since you've revealed yourself as the writer -- and continued it! \o/ -- I can reveal myself as the original prompter lol. But wow, I am as happy as ever with this! The undrlying tension and uncertainty even as Joonmyun is trying to make a new situation work with that smile on his face and how he writes for Amber and Jongin. I actually growled a little when I read what happened to his Jongin-inspired song. And all of the angry pop! Oh, Joonmyun.

But I really like that for all of his reassurances, Joonmyun finally feels certain about something by the end. Ugh, there's so much I like about this, and I'm so very glad you filled it and continued it and you just did a great job :)

[onyu.livejournal.com]

Hello, prompter anon! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for that amazing prompt. It was too good to pass up, I swear! That said, I'm really glad you liked it :)

The angry pop part was my favorite, negl. I'd like to think that Suho has found an outlet for frustrations in composing, haha.

Again, thank you so much!

[hargao.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness. Oh my GOD. You have given Suho so much edge and I absolutely love Kai in this! He's so young and ~fresh~ lol.

The storyline seems eerily possible. Your writing is really pretty. This comment is all over the place ;~; in short let me love you

[onyu.livejournal.com]

You can love me any day ;) Thank you so much and I'm really, really glad (and relieved!) that you liked it!

[theoffbeatdrum.livejournal.com]

aw this is cute, and bittersweet because joonmyunnnnnnn ._________. ♥

[onyu.livejournal.com]

He's got a lot of angst in his body. The boy needs to get it all out :( That said, thank you so much for reading!

[staypainted.livejournal.com]

ahh this is so great. I love your joonmyun and how he just works with it & goes with it even when it doesn't work out how he'd hoped - the bit about the song ending up with shinee killed me. and I loved his relationship with jongin. it was just great! thank you for sharing

[onyu.livejournal.com]

I'd like to think he's someone who can work well with something he's not so happy with. Like, he'll find a way to be satisfied with it. Thank you so much, and I'm glad you liked it! :)

[itsplashes.livejournal.com]

So I think my feelings for Joonmyun are changing now (for the better, haha).;;

I loved how this was written simply but effectively. Hits you right in the gut, Joonmyun's feelings.;;

[onyu.livejournal.com]

Joonmyun feelings are always hard to contain ;_____; Thank you so much, and I hope those feelings prosper, lol! :)

[itsplashes.livejournal.com]

I'm trying, gurl. I'm trying really hard, haha. :D This definitely helped. ;A;

[chiharu.livejournal.com]

eeeeee. Composer!Joonmyun. Yes, please. You clearly know my cup of tea. I want to imagine him wearing hipster glasses and scribbling frantically into his composition notebook.

[onyu.livejournal.com]

Best mental image ever. Thank you for reading, and I'm really glad you liked it! :D

[zqlin.livejournal.com]

there's something really hot about suho composing and playing the drums, and ah this was really nice, can't believe i didn't stumble upon this earlier ;;

[onyu.livejournal.com]

It's a guilty pleasure, negl. Haha! Thank you so much for reading! :)

[torakiss.livejournal.com]

i can totally relate to joonmyun here ;w;

this is amazing. i like how joonmyun does his best but things don't go exactly the way he wants it. but still, he continues on the path that he had chosen. *w* thank you so much for writing this ;w;

[onyu.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you have to take a risk to make your dreams come true :) Thank you, too, for reading! I'm glad you liked it :)